i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You left your phone here
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