I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
