Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
