i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
