One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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