i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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