the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize