i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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