Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
one two three fourrrrnication!
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
