i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
