I heard we made out
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
