I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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