Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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