it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
