hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
