I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
