She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
