He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
