Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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