So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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