Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
