Who wears a wallet chain?!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize