Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I will be naked everywhere
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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