i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
