Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
