someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
