I'm sorry my penis didn't work
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize