Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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