He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
