so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
