i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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