I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
God, I missed his penis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
