I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
