You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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