I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
