i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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