Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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