my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
