dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
