please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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