i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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