I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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