You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
