I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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