Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
