I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
