But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
