being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
