let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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