FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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