Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
