Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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