He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
