just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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