I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
