Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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