i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
