DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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