I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
