I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize